Being Sisyphus – Relapse in Recovery

A couple of sessions ago, my therapist said: ‘Can we acknowledge that the last year has been hard?’ I was thrown by that comment. Nope, my year had been just fine. I was doing great at work (that was pretty much all I could think of). I didn’t understand that resistance that came up because that meant I had to admit that I didn’t get what I had wanted, when it was much easier to rationalise that what I had was what I’d desired all along. 

When the pandemic hit, I panicked. All my perfect plans of career growth had been derailed, yet again. One therapy session later I was ready to embrace the uncertainty and do my best again, and that feeling has mostly prevailed. I became super productive, because I was no longer resisting the uncertainty. Being in the field of mental health and content creation meant that I could channel all my inner frustration and create posts that resonated with others. Once again, here was my rationalisation to the rescue! 

The difference between anxiety then and now was that earlier, I knew my triggers and could manage them because they were clear and defined. Now, the game has no rules, and the goal is to not breakdown. Priorities shifted from levelling up to surviving. In this modified setting, how would I thrive? 

Some people are finding it difficult. Others find it easy and keep going, until they’re taken out by a surprise attack, and that keeps them down for a while. 
Personally, I find this setting easier. For a while, it feels like there’s a pause on the race to constant levelling up, and I’m not feeling threatened. Now, since it’s about survival, I can do whatever I want. I can create my own path. There’s so much more autonomy. With that, when I freeze now, I feel even more vulnerable than before. How can I be failing in both settings? When will I find my thriving point? 

When I can feel my mental health decline, I think of Sisyphus, the mortal who was cursed to roll a boulder up a hill over and over again. There’s no respite in that – you know when you get to the top that it’ll roll down again. Sometimes, you won’t even make it to the top. Every relapse would make me question all the progress I’d seen myself making over the years. 

It has taken me 4 months to understand that while the tide ebbs and flows, I have to accept that I’m not in superhero mode even in this setting. I’m still fallible, and I still need some time. The best part now is that while the goals to level up remain frozen, I get to redefine mine, and to do that, I need to give myself the space to be vulnerable and figure out what I want. Recovery is still a process, and not the goal I thought I’d reached. The difference now is that I know what I’m looking for. I have more clarity. Step 1 to that is to admit: Yes, last year was horrendous on an emotional level, and this year objectively being that way feels a lot less horrible for me. That, is progress. And it’s progress enough to keep me hopeful about what I do next. 

This article has been written by Nandita Seshadri, Therapist.