Echoes of Worth

Recently, I was suddenly overcome by the fear and doubt of why I was being so vulnerable on social media, where it would be there for everyone to see and judge. Was this an imposter syndrome alert saying that I was not worthy enough to take up such space? Or was imposter syndrome the original feeling of being authentic on a social platform, saying that if I’m validated for what I express, I’m not an imposter? 

That inner voice has more questions: When I change and grow, will I look back on this and cringe, even if this is the best thing for me right now? Will everyone always see me as the junior therapist trying to navigate life, work and anxiety? 

Each time the feeling hit, I’d descend into this doom spiral. It would begin with the doubt, escalate to imposter syndrome and fear of being outed as a fraud. That would result in low self-worth which would prick at me until I took some impulsive action. That action would occasionally be constructive, which meant that I’d briefly feel good about myself before the self-doubt kicked in again. More often than not, that impulsivity would trigger the self-doubt all over again, leaving me tongue-tied to the questions of the inner voice. 

These questions are valid, I know that. This anxiety is about the legacy that I’m building for myself. Why legacy? Because even when I’m being myself, I’m hoping that this authenticity will give me the returns that’ll take me further. That some day, I’ll look back at this moment and say: ‘I was on to something’. I so dearly wish I had in this moment the conviction that only hindsight can provide. 

Today, I think it was cold-feet, that it was imposter syndrome which feared invalidation. I truly hope that something that feels so right in this moment won’t be tarnished by future me. I hope to show myself compassion even if I don’t quite understand why I really did this. Maybe it was to feel authentic, maybe it was to feel validated for that authenticity. Either way, I’d like to believe that I’m still deserving of compassion. That maybe, my legacy is not just what I’m envisioning and consciously building, but also includes the vulnerability, doubt and compassion to enhance all that is intentional.